Casey Jones Village
Date: September 7th, 2026
š We had never heard of this Village or Casey Jones, so we checked it out. It was 100+ degrees, so we decided not to walk around the entire village (I wanted to see the garden and chapel D:), but we stayed long enough to visit the Railroad Museum, Casey Jone's home, and grab lunch. The Museum detailed his life story, final moments, and historical train artifacts.
š The moment we crossed the threshold into Casey Jone's home, it fell dead silent. The air was still and unease washed over me. Foot traffic was low, so it was just us in his home. If I was alone, that discomfort would have sent me 180 degrees and out the door. I wasn't the only one who felt unease, but a little discomfort did not stop us.
The decor was BEAUTIFUL. I had no expectations, but their taste was absolutely lovely. I wanted to jump over the railing soooo bad to get a closer look at
everything,
especially the ornate designs of the furniture, objects, and handmade items crafted and sew by his wife.
I got a few close ups of some of the items that interested me (I wish my phone zoom was better)
š³ We walked over to the restaurant/buffet and got us some southern homestyle meals. I was able to eat something there, thank goodness! I forgot to take a photo of my plate, but I had iced tea, sliced turkey, mashed potatos, collard greens, and pickles. Luckily, we were seated in a quiet area, so that was a nice ending to the day. My social battery didn't get depleted.
I donāt like speaking.
Date: August 9th, 2026
It feels unnatural (I assume this is because of Autism), yet I have never undergone speech
therapy
or
any sort of intervention because I
learned to white knuckle through everything at a young age. As a
child, I was so quiet classmates questioned if I was mute. When it came to family and friends,
speech
flowed more easily. Even so, I was always described as being a quiet person.
When I explain my struggles, no one seems to understand in real life...not even therapists. Iām
sure
someone somewhere can commiserate, though! Itās like the connection between my mouth and brain
malfunction. Sometimes, I want to speak but my mouth feels glued shut, other times I trip over
my
words
so badly my speech is incoherent. I sound much better in my head, although my inner monologue
gets
jumbled up sometimesā¦odd. Day to day, I can speak ānormallyā but with great effort that has
taken a
toll
after all these years. I used to think everyone felt like this but was better at hiding it than
me.
If
using text to speech was common or perhaps sign language, I would use nonverbal speech as much
as
possible... not to mention verbal stims as well. I suppress verbal stims in public these days (I
used to
stim a little in grade school and people would find it cute LOL). Making sounds feels more
natural
than
speaking and to a select few I verbally stim all the time and express emotions and my needs that
way.
I also struggle to think of things to say, which makes it hard to grow and maintain friendships
and
truly stand out in my career. I prefer to be in good company without the expectation of
speaking,
but
coming across people like this is rare. In college, I attempted to change myself by joining
clubs,
study
groups, and
leadership programs, but the result was pent up anger for seemingly no reason, and my social
batteryās baseline permanently lowered. No matter how much progress I made, I ALWAYS regressed
shortly
after. I noticed this pattern was present since childhoodā¦way too late.
As one can imagine, this makes working difficult, but I still made it into a good career, so all
hope
was not lost. Being a quiet person in the workplace makes me a target of nasty comments and
assumed
incompetence. People, especially leadership, can be cruel. These days, I try to accept my speech
mistakes and
do my best to speak when needed, but Iām still quiet 9 times out of 10. Speaking doesnāt come
naturally,
but in the grand scheme of things, I am doing just fine despite this.
Evidence that I am cared about
Date: July 26th, 2026 - August 1st, 2026
ā” Coworker pulled me aside to tell me that we make a great team and she appreciates me.
ā” In heavy traffic, someone made space for me to merge into their lane, so I could cross the
street.
ā” My boyfriend surprised me with a gift.
ā” I received an adoable Draw Box submission.
Attempted Social Murder
Date: July 22th, 2026
š· I spend nothing short of a sisyphean effort clawing my way through the work week
during
constant
flare ups.
Each day gets more difficult to take care of myself while fighting the urge to offload
tasks that keep me alive. I am human. I am a soft and fragile being and requires food,
water,
and a
clean body,
yet my brain resists these tasks in favor of saving energy to keep up with my job.
Is this a psychological experiment? Come to work feverish, nauseated,
embarrassingly brain fogged feeling like I was beaten from head to toe the day
before,
while
expected to carry on business as usual? It's to the point where loved ones can
understand why I'm tired of being alive all the time. What a surreal experience to
witness
them
say.
I can't even put into words how
much
anguish
I feel. I need a break, but I can't take one. I don't have a large enough safety net
to
catch me
when I fall.
Why is my brain and body so abnormal that standard treatment does not help me physically
or
mentally?
In fact, medication somehow altered my brain negatively. Did something happen that
cannot be
undone?
Regardless, I am still trying to get better.
I'm seeing a new new new therapist who wants to help me process my trauma among other
things
and
seems
very attentive
so far. We have not started processing yet, but my nightmares have gotten worse just
from
filling
out
assessment paperwork LOL. Some buried memories that I have not thought about in years
have
come
up.
I
feel shakey today. Hopefully I can ease some of these mental health issues at the very
least
!
I just need to keep my
job...
š Hmm but what about anything good lately? I went doll hunting but mostly stayed in the
car
because
it
hurt too much to walk, still had fun ! I finally started deep cleaning my room and I'm
pretty
sure
the
exertion of that
made this flare up worse. The rest of my room can wait until I get better, but what was
cleaned
was
a
HUGE
weight off me! Life hasn't been eventful apart from those...not that those were LOL. I
go to
work
then
come home and rest and/or work on my webbed site.
Also? It's too HOT to do anything ! Why is is almost 120 real
feel? and humid?..and it keeps storming.
Hopefully my next entry will be more positive.
Water Lantern Festival
Date: May 28th, 2026
š®Our date night was at the Water Lantern Festival. Luckily, the rain headed our way
vanished
from
the
radar and left us in the heat with enough of a breeze to still feel comfortable.
Unlike
most
festivals
here, the event was 90% sitting, which was why I was able to go.
The turnout was INSANE!! I thought it would fly under the radar, but 999.3 people
showed
up.
Needless to
say, I could not get a good seat for the performances, which was okay because it
looked
like
spring
break on the beach with all the people.
We sat in a less congested spot, enjoyed dinner then decorated our lanterns. I loved
how
it
was
basically a giant picnic, with so many smiling faces and cute outfits. The
performers
were
local
musicians and sang original songs and covers. There were also inspirational speakers
and
a
short,
guided
meditation before the main event.
As the sun set, all of the lanterns glowing looked beautiful, along with sparkles of
light
in
the
crowd
from flower crowns. We walked down to the lake and took turns sending our lanterns
afloat,
only
for
them
to be carried back to the shoreline due to the current. It was a lovely view, but I
was
bummed
because
nature did what it wanted. At least it didnāt rain, and the current made for easy
clean
up.
Overall, it was a nice experience but the type of event where it's one and done.
Life
Date: January - May 2026
š„ļø Work:
I wasnāt up to much outside of work. Upper management doesnāt run this company
well,
as
far
as
leadership accountability is concerned, so some managers slacked off on their
work
for
years.
This
resulted in me scrambling to straighten things out to prepare a few departments
to
be
audit
ready..
I have since been back to my normal work and projects. It was grueling, but at
least
the
CEO
and
managers I helped thanked me over and over for my positivity, patience and hard
work.
One of
the
managers even got me a gift :)
. This will likely happen again, unfortunately.
šHealth:
I was on PTO, down to my remaining days, so I had no choice but to consider
legal
protections
especially
since I am the only person who does this job.
I applied for FMLA because I hit a breaking point. I spent weeks and weeks
dragging
myself
to
work
later
and later, floating through my shift in a daze. I seemed to improve for a day or
two,
but my
lows
keep
getting lower. Having FMLA is good to fall back on, but I still have to worry
about
how
often I
use
it
and when. I wish I could rest and attempt to recover when I need to. Having a
full
time
job
is
so
inherently neglectful to my healthā¦
My therapist wanted me to consider short or long term disability or even regular
disability.
Previous
ones have also said this. Itās painfully obvious to everyone that a full time
job is
not
sustainable
for
me, but I am in no rush to have a reduced income and risk my job (if
they
decide I
am
disabled
enough to cover part of my income) or to live in poverty after navigating the
burdensome
process
of
acquiring disability..
Iām also considering asking for remote work accommodations. I even have my own
assigned
work
laptop,
but
it mostly gathers dust because work controls whether or not we wfh. Iāve had no
luck
getting
a
remote
job, and my health is causing so much trouble that starting over would be risky,
especially
knowing
FMLA
wouldnāt carry over. I donāt trust HR, so I must tread carefully about this.
šPromotion:
Long story short: The HR manager made a mistake with my promotion and sat on it
for
months
until
the
CEO
found out and told them to finalize it. I sadly will not get back pay and am
bummed
about
not
having
that extra income to cushion my savings since my health keeps declining. Yet
another
situation
in a
pattern of behavior. Sure, this could have been an honest mistake that
unfortunately
cost me
months
of
money, but their behavior towards me since I got hired does not make me
confident in
their
intentions.
Oh well !
š¤ŖFun:
Letās end this entry with some fun. I havenāt gone out much due to my health,
and
have
been
mostly
resting outside of work lol. I was able to get out and go to the park and lay
out on
the
grass.
Went
in
person to shop at the mall. Iām proud of myself for walking more, even if it
wasnāt
long
!
Watched movies, which I keep forgetting to keep track of!!, ate good food,
bought
new
Monster
High
Dolls, started growing food. Not the most eventful stretch of months, but as
cozy as
things
can
be
considering the current state of things.
Edible
Date: April 13th, 2026
š± We have dabbled with growing small vegetables like green onions, but we
may
turn
this
hobby
into
something more sustainable, for now. Worth a try at least ! Good thing we've
been storing seeds for a rainy day.
So far, we have started small and will increase the size of our pots as we
go
on.
We'll
figure
out
storage soon since growing food isn't allowed in our neighborhood, which is
one
reason
why
it
stayed
a
small
hobby
this long.
We also all have different needs when it comes to food restrictions, so
there
will
be a
variety
of
fruits and
veggies to try to grow.
Let's see how this goes, starting off with Lettuce, Strawberries, Cilantro,
and
Bell
Peppers
!
Growing
strawberries was a core memory as a kid ^u^ !
Window Shopping
Date: March 1st 2026
šļø My fatigue is so bad outside of the work week, that I spend half of
the
weekend
in
bed.
Something
changed last week. I felt a different kind of tired because the world
was
passing me
by
while I
was
just
lying there. Sometimes it's good to push myself to do the opposite of
what
my
body
wants
me
to
do. I
would deal with the consequences later! What better motivation than
going to
one
of
my
favorite
restaurants? They do not deliver, so we had to dine in. The food was
HEAVEN,
as
usual.
š„ We left the restaurant to head home until I realized I had to pee. I
avoid
public
restrooms
like
the
plague, but desperate times had me not wanting to risk peeing myself.
Stopping
at
the
bookstore
to
use
the restroom has it's perks. The smell of coffee and pastries at the
cafe
had me
floating on
air,
and of
course we couldn't leave without browsing. I also people watched here
and
there
and
was
reminded
of
my
emo/goth days after seeing groups of alternative teens flood the manga
section.
There were so many people there. Way more than normal! Some alone and
others
in
groups
browsing,
laughing, studying and doing their own thing. I am guilty of
doomscrolling,
so
being
out
and
about
and
seeing people be people reminded me that the world isn't as bad as
social
media
portrays. I
can't
believe how easy that is to forget once a screen is in front of my face,
which
is
why I
detox
often!
Also, I LOVE displays!!! So glad we stopped there ! Sometimes I wish I
could
quit my
job
and
create
displays in stores. I wonder if that task would be as peaceful and
creative
as I
imagine. At
least I
can
mess with my own displays at home to get it out my system.
I walked away empty handed! Nothing stood out to me although a lot
caught my
eye.
Nice
outing. I
felt
like garbage/sick but...COPE! No bed rotting for me!
Therapy
Date: February 16th, 2026
Therapy has been an ordeal. Not therapy itself, but gaining access
to
it.
Long
story
short,
I
dropped my
first therapist (mentioned in a past entry) due to the company's
shady
billing
practices.
Not long after, I found another therapist that seemed like a good
fit
(sadly,
doesn't
have
extensive
experience with
autistic/ADHD folks), but.... insurance happened. I had
to
advocate for myself continuously because I was charged LARGE bills
out
of
network.
After
the
burning rage dissipated, I sought
solutions with customer service after I cooled off. (lies, lies,
lies
with
them..except
two
people)
I came out of that situation exhausted, but proud of myself for
hammering
the
insurance
companyā¦creating paper trails, documenting calls, getting employee
IDs,
and
gathering
evidence
to
prove
she was in network! What's frustrating was that the success was
after
they
"reduced"
my
bill
while
still
charging out of network... as if to get me to shut up and move on.
They
felt
my
wrath
because I
continued to fight them. I was going to report
them to the state if that last effort was futile, but they must have
sensed
I
was at
my
last
straw
LOL.
I hope this doesn't happen again, but have learned a lot from this
situation,
and it was a......good exercise for dealing with anger.
During that ordeal, my therapist was understanding and did not
cancel my
reoccurring
appointments,
to make
sure no one took my slots. I was able to see her as soon as my claim
was
fixed.
I appreciate how she tries to get to know me, especially this early
on.
She
incorporates
my
hobbies
into
my coping skills, and we had a show and tell with our artwork. Her
homework
isn't
given
offhandedly
with
no further check in like other therapists have done. It makes me
look
forward to
seeing
her
every
week.
It's a
strange feeling. I am interested in what she has to say. She also
has
voice
that
belongs
in
a
meditation video.
Something that I find funny is that she mentioned being happy to
work
with
someone
who
knows
the
terminology and speaks her language. I have been dropped by many
therapists
for
being
"too
complex"
(aka handful of physical/Mental health issues), so I had to research
and
try
to
help
myself
while
learning therapeutic
methodology and coping skills. I didn't expect that type of
acknowledgement,
but
it
was
nice.
Maybe I should become a therapist..joking.
Iām hoping she sticks with me and can help me improve my life. I know change is slow, so I will wait patiently.